I’ve always had this sense of loneliness. Not that I didn’t know there were people who loved me, but that I couldn’t find people who understood me. As a child, I behaved as if I would be rejected, and for it I was tormented by other children, endlessly ridiculed and made to feel worthless.
I stepped away from that environment and went somewhere I could relax. Something changed in me; a shift I’ve never really analyzed before. I’m an actor at heart, you see, and I learned that to fit in, to have friends, to survive, I had to play a part. I had to be cool. I had to step back from what I really thought was cool, and live life ironically.
As I’ve gotten older, the difference between the character I learned to play and what I know to be the “real” me, grew wider. The more I changed internally, growing wiser, and ever more different from the people around me, the more my character compensated, shifting this thought into this word, or hiding this one. I would become one self with these friends, and another self with others.
It wasn’t a painful process. In fact, it was easy. Who doesn’t love to play a character, and have other people enjoy that character? As I look at it now, I see that it is a part of myself that I desperately needed, and now have outgrown. If I keep it in tact any longer, it will only serve to hurt me, as it has just done most cruelly.
I’ve had the knowing, or perhaps merely the hope, that there was someone out there who would think like me. Who would see the world as I saw it, and see me for my true self. Someone who would make me feel connected to this world.
I’ve been writing a novel since I was fourteen, and the protagonist, Soren, is a reflection of me in many ways, and his journey through the pain and the stars has helped shed light on my own. He falls in love with a beautiful, brilliant girl, and for the first time in his life, feels truly connected to the world. She is someone who quiets his thoughts. Soren is an empath, you see, so he feels the emotions of those around him. Around her though, he only feels warmth, and so is at peace.
And then she is taken away from him. As long as I’ve known Soren, I’ve known that her death is where his journey would lead. A million things have changed and grown in the story since I started writing it ten years ago, but her death was always there.
I saw a psychic once, at the beginning of the spiritual journey I started in this life. Her service was free, and she simply closed her eyes, and asked me to repeat my name three times. She began looking into me, observing the presences in my aura. I remember being quite readily impressed at the insight she had, but none of it felt illuminating. She only repeated what I already knew.
That includes when she spoke of a woman I had been with, and our son, in another life. In days past, the Civil War era I believe, I left my wife and child for an errand, and they were killed while I was away. I knew the truth of this past, though she spoke it haltingly, a little unsure and nervous about what she was witnessing. I filed it away, and continued my spiritual journey.
And then, quite recently, I met a girl. I’ve been in love before, and I’ve come to learn more about myself in these past few years than I ever have before. I’ve also come to a better control over my emotions. That being said, I fell in love with her instantly.
Actually, in truth it felt like I’d always been in love with her, and that I was just waiting for her to show up and say hi. The day she came into the shop I worked at, I felt the connection instantly, and wanted to say something like, “I get a really cool vibe from you. I think we should be friends.” I didn’t get the chance to though, before she left.
Miraculously, she came back just a few minutes later, handed me a piece of paper and said, “Here, take my number. I think we should be friends.” I was ecstatic to say the least.
The similarities between our lives are immeasurable. I would learn something new about her, and feel a positive, humming, beautiful vibration at our synchronicity. She also terrified me.
I’ve been in a fairly unemotional mindset these past couple of years, comparing them to a time when I was a slave to my emotions, forced to ride out whatever wave came my way. Being around her made me feel so overwhelmed with love, that I was deathly afraid of losing it.
Our first and only date was to see a film called A Winter’s Tale. It was unbelievable real, that I could meet a girl who shared so many of my views, namely the spiritual nature of the universe, and reincarnation and regeneration, karmic linkage and fate, and then somehow a film about all of those things was in theaters for me to see it with her. It was one of a million things, like I said, that seemed so perfect.
Without spoiling the plot of the movie, I’ll tell you that there is a true, unyielding love that catches a man completely by surprise, and causes a change in him. He is also destined to lose that love to a tragic fate. While standing before the bathroom sink at the theater, I reflected on that theme, and knew that like the man in the film, like the man the psychic saw in her vision of me, and like Soren, I had lost this woman that I love before, and that if the cycle played out, I would lose her again.
I was determined not to let the cycle run its course. In retrospect, my actions because of that may have partially led to my undoing, but we can never know what would have happened, and what is for you will not go by you.
She, on the other hand, was experiencing some of the same feelings regarding her connection with me, and the serendipitous circumstances of our lives, but she had also come out of a relationship of control and subjugation, based on a false persona, and so was wary of another romantic involvement so soon. She was semi-clear in communicating that she wanted only friendship between us. I say semi-clear because while she said as much to me, she also seemed to enjoy my kisses, and reveled in our connection, as I did.
The first trouble came in our interaction with other people. She’d seen a part of the real me, that without any conscious effort, I tend to hide from most people. So when we got around a friend of hers, out came my character, a persona based around whatever I might perceive my present company to be.
Well, this time my chameleon-like abilities to blend in with my surroundings made me stand out like a neon light. To her at least. She who saw and understood on a profound level who I really was, saw me putting forth an alien self. A false persona. To her, that rang too much like old romances, and if she saw one false image, who is to say the image I usually showed her wasn’t false as well?
Her trust in me broke down from there.
From then on I was only reactionary. I did everything I could to try and backpedal, make amends, and avoid the loss I was faced with. The damage was done though, and she withdrew herself from my life.
The lesson is painfully loud in my head. The importance of being one-hundred percent myself has been illustrated and brought into my sphere these past few weeks in other, subtler ways, so that this morning when this cycle with her ended, I became aware of what wove the path to destruction.
I don’t really know how to start being wholly myself. My identity is mixed in with this chameleon character. I have a lot of work ahead of me, if I’m to separate out the corrupted materials, and reforge myself from the pure metal. But I must either do so, or imbue every aspect of my life with this corrupted, false persona, and so taint myself with a karmic structure I won’t soon be rid of.
The persona protected me from the harsh elements of my childhood, and allowed me to build a stronger sense of confidence as I came into my manhood. Now I have outgrown it.
Now I must become something new.
The pain feels different now. What was an uncontrolled agony has become a steadfast resolution. Evolve or parish.
Submitted by: Forrest on 03/25/2014
Tagged with: Voice of Venus